Die Hart: The Movie

Jan 30, 2024

32 Comments

Yikes! The streaming world is increasingly bait and switch, but this latest venture on Amazon Prime is one of the oddest efforts to date. Eric Appel's Die Hart: The Movie is an action comedy listed by Amazon as being made in 2023; it's not, it's an episodic tv show from 2020 that was made for the short lived Quibi streaming service, which began and ended unnoticed during the worldwide pandemic lockdowns. Quibi was based around the idea that what we needed was short-form online entertainment, and was quickly scrapped when it proved that we really didn't need that at all; this disjointed 85 minute feature is one of the few remnants to survive the era.

Despite the title, Die Hard isn't mentioned or referenced; this is a silly, industry-insider comedy that is pretty poor in comparison to The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. Where that movie had Nicolas Cage sending himself up to good effect, discovering his inner action hero when he gets involved in real life drama, this one features Kevin Hart playing himself, finding his inner action hero when he gets involved in real life drama. It's an ancient comedy trope, of a protagonist who can't tell if the shenanigans he's caught up in are staged or not, as featured in everything from The Paleface to The Magnificent Two to Three Amigos, and Die Hart doesn't do much to invigorate such a tired concept.

We initially find Hart railing against his own success as the second banana to The Rock in a successful franchise much like the awful Jumani films; hoping to prove himself a real action man, Hart enrols in a special stunt school run by Ron Wilcox (John Travolta), who claims to have trained stars from Matt Damon to Jason Statham to transform from snowflakes to tough guys. Jordan King (Natalie Emmanuel) is along for the ride, with shifty director Claude Van De Velde (Jean Reno) secretly filming the results as Hart goes from zero to hero.

Die Hart is more interested in providing pratfalls for Hart that any meta-textual cleverness; Hart seeks to find out the truth about Wilcox's school, but ends up caught up in plotlines which may or may not have been constructed. Given that the central idea of the film comes from generating tension and comedy from whether real guns and blanks are being used on a film set or not, the Rust tragedy instantly dates the story here, while the personal development narrative in which Hart ends up teaching Ron Wilcox about being an action star is far too abrupt a twist.

When the bonus of a film is a cameo from Josh Hartnett as himself, you’re know you’re onto plums, and while schlepping ten episodes together of a busted series for a defunct streamer and passing it off as a new movie seems pretty low, the race-to-the bottom streaming wars are likely to offer up more misbegotten projects like this. To be positive, Die Hart is a better Kevin Hart film than last year's dismal Netflix movie Me Time, and presumably lowering Hart's marketplace cache suits Amazon long-term, but Die Hart is a return to the bandit days of splicing episodes of a tv show together and pretending it's a movie, a strategy used back in the day on everything from The Man From Uncle to Battlestar Galactica. If nothing else, it shows that Amazon Prime are fully committed to rooking their customers with cobbled together product in the classic Hollywood rip-off style.

die harteric appelfakefilmfilm-makingHollywoodJohn Travoltajosh hartnettkevin hartmovie reviewmoviesnatalie emmanuelstunts

Same thing with the movie Rollerball… came out when I was younger then they re-released it twice more… like no one noticed at all. 🤣🤣🤣

Feels like the entertainment industry is trying to either make a mockery of themselves for the sake of distraction… from all that's being revealed… or it's really just shit all and they are going to make money however they can for as long as they can…

🤷🏽‍♀️🤣💚

Great perspective on this!! Thanks for sharing!

It's just about making as much money as possible with as little investment as might be imagined…a rip off, as people used to say…

So I watched this. Hart, here anyway, represents everything that I hate about hollywood. I didn't laugh at anything and I’ve seen 5 year old girls "man up" better than he did. Overall, he should have stuck to comedy where everyone could safely ignore him.Him and Ice Cube/Tea/Whatever can form a club called the "Not REAL action heroes club"…

Hey, Ice Cube's son was in Cocaine bear, and he's every bit the sullen presence of his dad. Ice-T is a different kettle of fish…

I did warn you that you wouldn't like this, didn't I? But Bookstodge knew better….

It was one of those "I have to experience it for myself " kind of things.But you did warn me…

Now you can say that you have truly lived and you are now a MAN!

Kevin Hart is an automatic Nope from me, even if it had been a good movie.

Many more like this and I’ll be in the same boat…

Yep, along with the others, the first thing that sprang to my mind was the Rust incident and then Willis's dementia diagnosis.

THAT being said, Mrs B works this afternoon, so I’ll be watching this on Prime just to see if it's as bad as you say. Need something to slightly amuse me while I write up my 75 posts for March!

Yikes! Good luck with that…

Hey, when the words are bubbling up, they gotta get out somehow. And my journal is almost done, so I have to order some more.So why not wile away 90mins by not paying attention to something that doesn't need me to 😀

Sigh. That's like sharpening your fingers with a pencil sharpener; there's no need for it. Surely the words would bubble up without this kind of backdrop to your cogitations?

I need background noise to soothe the savage beast within. And why waste something good like Spongebob, or my 37th time watching RED, when I can have brand new (to me) schlock to listen to?Besides, isn't this the type of stuff that will Make Cinema Great Again? 😉

Have you tried music? We have all been wondering what arcane conjuring rituals enable you to post such stunning, Joycean prose…

Music. It's been a long time since I’ve heard that name.The thing is, my viewing time is so short that I have to make a choice. Watch a new episode (to me) of Starsky & Hutch or listen to an album by Amethystium that I’ve heard 30 times before.Decisions, decisions, decisions.

OK, well you can watch Kevin Hart, but I expect homework done and the kitchen tidy and spotless by the time I get home from the 6pm screening of Cocaine Bear.

No can do, poppa bear. Those posts aren't going to write themselves. And with my labyrinthine logic meant to stun and enlighten the masses, I have to be at the top of my game.But I’ll take some clear coke if you can get any of that 😉

How hard is it to post a screenshot of a card saying

Orcadian Power Surge

This card enables the player to sit out two rounds or spin the dice again. If played consecutively, miss a turn.

Oh, I pray Fraggle never sees this comment. You barbarian. You unwashed masses. You dunderkophen. Oh my sainted rockstars, he asks "how hard is it too…" That I should see this day come.

Harder than watching Die Hart, that's how hard! And that's a BoBa FaCt!

Looks easy to me. Posting your kiddie game cards without even a comment.

Twizzlerstick Thunderbolt.Miss two turns.

It's easy!

Pah, you show your ignorance for all the world to see and scorn. It takes years of hard work, diligence and shoveling a LOT of graves, to understand how masterful such posts are. To showcase the art of the masters, at whose feet I am not even worthy to throw the bloody remnants of my foes, such a distinction is far beyond the scope of most mortals.

The player to the left must either sell their guilders to the bank, or spin the wheel of Spatula 7 without reversing the direction of the flange generator. Miss a turn.

I see your journey of 10,000 steps to Master the game of Magic has truly begun.To complete your journey and become a true Master, you need to give me all your possessions (except any livestock. I can do without any smelly animals thankyou very much!)

Livestock Exemption!

Miss a turn, or create a fireball with your Mage's powers! Secret Power; 5 Gargleliters!

Can I throw the bloody remnants of my enemies at YOUR feet, master?

Yes, it is allowed.

This was probably made long before Bruce Willis’ diagnosis, but it feels a bit tasteless now having parodied Die Hard's name for the sake of a Kevin Hart joke

That is very true, the Rust comparisons are even worse; accidentally loaded guns should not be a comedy topic right now…

Yes, the idea that this was cobbled together and presented as new right now with the Rust tragedy is a baffling choice.

Is the correct answer. Twice!

To have fallen from the heights of Cocaine Bear to this in only 24 hours.

I’m old enough to remember the golden age of cinema, when you could go to the movies and enjoy a wholesome good time at wonderful films like Cociane Bear; we had values back then, not like this reheated cobblers.

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